Osho on arranged marriage and love marriage

[An indian sannyasin has been invited to be a part of the ashram, but says, in Hindi, that her parents will not let her come.]

Osho – First tell me your desire. I am not going to be guided by your desire, but I just want to know what you want….

The situation is such that if I tell you to go with your parents, you will not be happy. Not that they are not loving – they are very loving – but their love won’t permit you any freedom. Their love is an old orthodox kind of love and they don’t know any other kind, so there is no complaint about them; they know only that. They want to care about you, they are concerned about your life, they want you to be happy. But that has always been the old mind; and particularly about girls, parents are very much concerned. In the East their responsibility ends once you get married.

While you remain unmarried, they remain very concerned: once you are married then that chapter is closed for them. Then it is for you to be in hell or in heaven or whatsoever. And an arranged marriage never brings joy, mm? It brings security – it is convenient and comfortable – but it never brings joy. A love marriage brings joy but it never brings security; it is always insecure. So parents always decide in favour of an arranged marriage because they think of your future, security, your children, everything – except your joy, that is never a consideration. They think security is joy, comfort is joy – it is not!

Comfort is comfort, security is security. It is not joy. It is good if it can happen with joy, but in itself it is just a futile existence. In a love marriage that you would like to choose, security is not there, comfort is not there. Joy is there, but joy too is very momentary. And the more romantic a love is, the more danger there is of falling from the peak, and then you fall into a dark valley. If I tell you to go, you will be miserable – they will arrange for a marriage to get rid of the whole problem. You will be miserable, and then you will throw the responsibility on me because I told you to go. If I tell you to be here, you will be miserable.

The misery will be that they will be angry, they will be hurt and you will not be happy if they are hurt, if they are angry. You will not be happy if they start thinking of disowning you. And here, sooner or later you will fall in love, and love brings Its own problems. Then you will think that I am responsible because I told you to be here. So think of my problem too – this is my everyday problem! If I say this, you will be in trouble and you will throw the responsibility on me; if I say the opposite, the responsibility will be on me. So now you are grown-up enough – don’t throw responsibility on me; you decide.

If you decide to be here, this is your home – you can become part of the ashram; you are welcome. If you decide to go with your parents, that’s perfectly good, mm? They are my sannyasins, they will take care of you and whatsoever they want to do, they will do. But don’t leave it to me, otherwise you will never be able to forgive me. The best way is: you decide yourself And it will be difficult, I know, because a few things will be good here and a few things will be good there – it is going to be a difficult situation but this is the beginning of life, mm? Now you are becoming mature; this is how life begins. When problems begin and confusion and decision becomes difficult, then too one has to decide. But I am not going to decide for you. That will be very easy but you will remain immature, because then you will depend on my decision. And it is very difficult in life to be happy.

So whatsoever decision I give you, you will be unhappy and you will throw responsibility on me. Because happiness has nothing to do with outer things – it is an art, and very few people are artful, artful enough to be happy. You are a dancer so you know – happiness is not like a thing but like dance; you have to learn it. It is a very subtle art.

So my suggestion is: you decide. Risk – whatsoever decision you take, risk will be there – but from this moment become mature, independent and decide. And remember always: if you go into hell with your own decision you will be happy, even there, because it is your decision; you have chosen it out of your freedom. And even if you are forced into heaven, you will not be happy there because you have been forced into it and heaven will look like a prison.

Freedom is the ultimate value, and slowly slowly all of my sannyasins have to learn to live in freedom. So let this be the beginning. One thing is clear: if you go there you are going with loving people; there is no problem. If you want to stay here, the doors of the ashram are open for you; any moment you can enter in and be part.

Source – Osho Book “Don’t Look Before You Leap”

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