[A sannyasin, looking close to tears as he talked, told Osho that he was feeling very sad and was easily hurt, and had felt like this for several weeks but he was unable to say what he felt was the reason for this]
Osho asked his wife, who was also present, if she could comment, as her husband was not very clear about what was happening. Osho said that perhaps, unconsciously, he was avoiding facing up to the problem for fear that he would not be able to cope with it. He added that women are more perceptive than men about things pertaining to relationships, so perhaps she could be helpful.
She said that she was feeling a need to be alone lately – a feeling which was new to her – and that she thought this might be upsetting her husband, adding that she felt distant from him and wanted to have her own; space. She said she used to cling to him a lot before. Her husband said he felt rejected, ’wiped out’, but did not seem to see a connection between these feelings and his wife’s desire be alone.]
Osho – Now I understand exactly what the problem is. (to the husband) Because [your wife] has been always afraid of being alone, she was clinging to you and you enjoyed it, the ego enjoyed it. The male ego enjoys it very much when a woman goes on clinging. A woman is like a creeper, and the tree enjoys it tremendously – that the woman is dependent, mm? She was afraid of her aloneness, that’s why she was clinging to you. Now, the more meditative she will become, the more she will like to be alone – because that is the only way she can get rid of her fear. So she wants to be alone, to be left alone, and you feel as if you are not needed, rejected. But you are not rejected at all, and it is not that you are not needed.
In fact she is trying to stand on her own feet for the first time, and if you allow her and help her to stand on her own, only then will love be possible. Up to now it has not been love. She was clinging to you because of her fear, and you were enjoying that because of your ego – neither you nor she were in deep love. Now for the first time love is possible.
If you help her to be alone, to get rid of the fear, she will always be grateful to you. And when she can be alone, and out of her aloneness she calls you, then there will be love, because then there is no question of fear. Only then can she share herself with you. And it is going to be good for you also, because it is just the ego that is feeling hurt. Nothing else feels hurt, it is always the ego. The ego is like a wound – very touchy. You just touch it and it feels hurt. So she has been fulfilling your ego; now she wants to be alone and that hurts.
Try to understand. Let her be alone, leave her alone and give her more and more space. Whenever you feel that she needs to be alone, just move away – and she will love you tremendously for it because that is a gesture of love. When somebody needs to be alone you should leave them alone. If you love her, you understand the need – it is a growth need. And she will be grateful for it, more grateful than ever.
Remember always that if someone loves you out of fear, that love is bogus, because love cannot arise out of fear. It is an empty gesture. Love can arise only out of deep understanding, not out of fear. So this is going to help you both. And it was to come. Whenever a couple comes to me, the whole of their old pattern has to change, because they have lived in a certain relationship and now they start growing. That old relationship cannot contain you; you are becoming bigger and bigger. Your dresses were made for children and now they are too small and you feel confined.
So don’t cling to the old patterns; drop them. Help her to be alone. (addressing the wife) And… you remember not to hurt him unnecessarily. When you want to be alone, simply say you want to be alone. This too has to be understood, because many times we want to be alone but the way we express it is very ugly. We tell the other to go away or tell them that we don’t need or love them any more. We may say these things, when in fact all we wanted to say was that we wanted to be alone. So when you want to be alone, simply ask him and be very loving so that he can understand. If he is in a misunderstanding he will create trouble for you, and then growth becomes impossible.
You are both growing, and much love will happen. You are getting ready for it. Just a little waiting and patience is needed for it, mm? Don’t be worried. Within weeks you will see a totally new quality of love coming between you, flowing between you, and much understanding, Everything will be good.
Source: from Osho Book “Hammer on the Rock”