Osho on problem in relationships

[A sannyasin says he has always had trouble with relationships, including the present one with his girlfriend.]

Osho – Mm, mm. A relationship is always a problem because the other becomes the mirror and the presence of the other help you to see your own face in many ways. And the same happens to the other – you become the mirror. Nobody wants to know his real face. That’s why down the centuries people have been escaping to the monastery. These are the cowards! They are avoiding relationship, because in a relationship they are reflected as they are. Alone, they can think of themselves whatsoever they want to think; they can create any image about themselves.

So the first problem with relationship is that relationship reflects you and you reflect the other person. And your totality comes up – you are not just the surface. The deeper you get involved in your relationship, the deeper feelings it will bring up. If you are really into a relationship it will shatter you. All your images will be shattered. All your faces will be tom. All your masks will start dropping. And whenever this happens the person starts to take revenge on the other.

That’s why [your girlfriend] goes on saying no. Behind her no there is yes. In fact, she wants to say yes – that’s why she says no – but she is afraid of her own totality. People have cleared a little ground of their being and they try to live comfortably there. Mm? – the whole is like a vast canvas. They don’t even want to remember. And whenever you are in love your deepest feeling is stirred. With that feeling all other feelings are stirred.

Love is almost like a backbone to the feeling body. If your backbone is taken out you will be spineless . . . just a heap, a blob. Your spine holds you together. Exactly in the same way the feeling body is held together by the spine of love. If you are not in love you can control your anger very easily. In fact, if you are not in love at all there will not be any opportunities to be angry. You can control your sadness very easily if you are not in love. You can manage your life very conveniently; that’s what is being done in monasteries.

The so-called saints are nothing but people who have come to know one thing about themselves: that if they love, all chaos comes into being. If they don’t love the whole chaos disappears. It is a very cheap way to become peaceful. But this peace I don’t teach because this peace is the peace of death. I teach you living peace. I would like you to pass through the chaos and transcend it – rather than escaping from it. Escaping is not going to really change you. You have to pass through these situations.

[Your girlfriend] is almost crazy. She can drive you crazy! But that is the beauty of this relationship: if you go with her, either you will go insane or you will attain to real sanity. Both are worth it, because to be just lukewarm and sane is meaningless. If you fall in love, you also fall in anger, you also fall in hate, you also fall in jealousy, you also fall in possessiveness; you fall in a thousand and one things.

Love is simply a door. With love you open Pandora’s box. You know the story of what happened when Pandora’s box was opened? Everything started coming out of it. The box was closed; only one thing remained in and that was hope…. A beautiful story. So when you love somebody everything comes up. Only hope remains deep down. If you can hope, there is no need to be afraid. If hope also disappears there is no point in relationship. Then get out of it. But again you will have to get into some relationship.

Unless a person has come to know his total being he will again and again go into a relationship. Going into a relationship is just a way to find your soul. to find who you are. I think [your girlfriend] is perfect. Don’t drop out of it easily – struggle.

Source: from Osho Book “God Is Not For Sale”

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